Father figures are
expected, from the very start of one’s life, to be wise and powerful. They are
expected to solve our problems, to be with us when in need, accompany us to children
park, tell us stories, protect us. They are judicious and kind, perhaps a
little tough at times but always fair—but most importantly, we expect them to
be always, on our side.
To make fun of someone who has problems with their father,
even after acknowledging their discomforting longing, is humiliating and rude.
It’s completely alright for someone to desire a fatherly figure in their lives,
especially, when in chaos and confusions. It’s utterly hurtful to want someone
to protect us and fail at finding anyone at sight.
When does it start?
This notion of desiring a fatherly figure comes from our
childhood—when we’re both young and immensely week, and need protection from
everything that might hurt us. In our childhood, even a cat of a considerable
size can kill us—things were mysterious when we were young, and often were outside
of our control. To wish for a father in befalling situations is completely natural.
The adult longing for a good father is a consequential emotion from not having
a good father in the childhood. It’s a result of abandonment.
According to a study at Erikson University in 2009, a grown
man evidently seems extremely impressive to a small child. For a child, a grown
man knows everything; the capital of India, how to drive a bicycle, how to fight,
how to catch a ball. They can lift you up with their immense power. They go to
bed secretly late, and wake up earliest
in the morning. They can swim and let you ride their back. Fathers, by their
all difference, are beyond astonishing creature.
People with father problems, contrary to its paradox, are
almost, always, the ones who didn’t have very good fathers when they were small.
Maybe their fathers were incredibly strong, but at the same time cruel or maybe
disinterested. Perhaps, they were busy,
and weren’t around much or perhaps they left after a disturbing fight. Perhaps,
they divorced their wives, or may be they
died. This is what, in many surprising ways, incline us to some tricky behaviors. This lead us to develop absurd fantasies,
irrelevant to our maturity level and skepticism,
around the idea of male protection.
Are you battling with yourself and need some help? Contact us here.
Consequences
We, even after the years of failing and learning our
lessons, all by ourselves—still remain like a young child we once were. In a
way, we were not allowed to mature away from our unquenched fantasies of
fathers. We still, secretly, desire someone to step in and take the role. We
want someone else to make our big decisions, we want them to protect us, and be
tough around us. We want them, in a certain mysterious way, to vanish our problems
from our life.
No matter how independent and self-sufficient we act, at the
end of the day, we want them to sort out our money problems, we expect them to
get angry when anyone tries to hurt us, to be proud of us when we achieve
something—to love us for who we are, and primarily, accept us. To fulfill this intrinsic desire, we look out for
fathers in friendships, at work, and all the places we emotionally visit.
We all must, if our
emotions allow, accept that the adulthood fantasy of fathers is not of a good father. As absurd as it may
sound, a good father is the one who boldly and honestly accepts that he isn’t that powerful and cannot solve all our
problems. They are conscious that they can’t magically save us from the countless
dangers of this world, no matter how much they wish to. They are also honest
about this, and tell us the truth as soon
as we’re strong enough to face it. Out of love, they let us know that there are
not perfect fathers and the best they can do is help us grow, in the best way
possible.
What do we need?
We markedly don’t need just a father, we need a good father
figure. Someone who could help us out of our father issues, someone who encourage
us to talk, acknowledges our sufferings and fears, and deeply wants the best
for us and isn’t reluctant to say so; but who at the same time, out of love,
wants to help us come to terms with a messy and essentially a disappointing world.
A man, who out of love, will encourage you to be independent and, specifically,
not to fantasize that anyone, however
outwardly imposing, can do the impossible for you. And, shamelessly deny that
anyone, even for the love and hate, will always be there for you by your side.
Good fathers allow us to accept the truth that there are, in
the end, no fathers; just an independent you—who eventually, by failing and
learning, becomes someone else’s, good father.
Do you think we have missed something that could help people with their father issues? Comment below and let us know.
